Sunday, July 22, 2012

She is the Woman I loved...

   At the end of long crazy day, all that I need to unwind myself is the drive to this peaceful place, breathing the fresh air , the short walk and some healthy time with my friends. On the first time, when my friend introduced me to this lake club resort, I least expected that I would get intoxicated by the air, I breathe here. Unexpected things have been happening in my life for the past few months. Now this place, people, friends, talk, music, discussions, new brands of whiskey, cigars, chics, aunties - are all quite unexpected and I am getting happiness out of it. I am happy about the air, I get from here. It reminds me that I can breathe, even in the middle of life's mechanisms.  A change  was all what I needed.  I got it here and I am welcoming it everyday so that it stays anew and fresh ..

   This place is beautiful. From here, I can watch the sunset, I can look out into the open sky, I can embrace the darkness, I can feel the raindrops on my skin, I can enjoy the unexpected breeze, I can talk about movies, I can find corners to read books,I can see beautiful women, I can interact with thoughtful friends… I can drink, smoke and do whatever I want to..Above all, this is the only place where I can be alone even  in the middle of a crowd... where I can be happy and yet feel sad...the only place where , I can light a candle and yet sit in darkness. Spending my evenings here, has become a part of my routine. It is a habit now. Every time I come here , I am coming because I want to forget Her…I want to bury her thoughts in this dark and feel relieved. I want to admire other women and  feel that, she was not pretty. But things never happen in the way, we want it to be… On the contrary, it goes in such a way that, I think of her more, when I come here. I evoke her thoughts from the dark, and every time I look at a pretty chic, I feel that my girl was the prettier...

  As I stand on the pavement of the bridge above the river, the cool breeze is freezing my insides. I took another puff of my cigar and I feel it. Yes, I need her, now..right now, at this moment.I need her, my love, my girl..Her eyes, her fragrance, her smile, her lips, that was intoxicating and deadly. Every curve of her body was mine. Every inch of hers, was my feeling. Flesh to flesh, heart to heart and soul to soul, it was utmost harmony,when we were together. We were tied together by an unknown thread. I was completely lost in emotions with her. I was in love. There was a space in me, which no one could fill, no one could reach to, no one could feel – and she had touched and occupied it. I loved to hear her talk. I loved to look into her eyes. I loved to hold her hands. 

    A woman was only a woman to me. Sometimes I liked her. Sometimes I admired her. Sometimes I ditched her. Sometimes I worshiped her. Sometimes I treated her equal. Sometimes I harassed her. But after she had come into my life, she was the woman to me. Even though she was strong and independent to the world, behind our locks, she was insecure and lonely. She had an aura of restlessness in our relationship. When those insecurities got accumulated and she had so much inside her, I realized that I have to unburden her. I had never loved any woman like her. But every other woman had known it except her. She was too uneasy by the way I moved along with her in our relationship. She wanted to get more and more, unknowing that I had given her my everything.

   She loved me to the extent that, she  was so scared, if I would leave her and hurt her to crazy. Every time her eyes widened like a dream, she had the fear if I would date with someone else. She disliked me and my work because I was always surrounded by other women. She feared  if other women would appeal  hot and pretty to my senses. I promised upon Gods, that I don’t have the need to go to other women, when I have a beautiful girl like her. But it was too hard for her to comprehend. Sooner, all the insecurities began to creep in our relationship. She was so perturbed that, she began to talk only about our break up. She couldn’t think of missing me, at any cost. She told me that she would ruin herself, if our relation ends up in a break-up. She believed that it would bring her nothing better than spoiling her life by sleeping with hundreds of men. 

   Once, she has reminded me that I am the maker of her destiny. She cried to me that, if our relationship ends, her means of survival would be becoming a whore – not because she wants other men or money, but because she wants to kill my baby (she believed , she was carrying in her) by the touch of other men and thereby, burying herself under others pillow to death. Even though I had a fear, if I am on the process of making a prostitute, but it lasted only as while as a thought. Later, when we patched up, I promised her that I love her truly, deeply, madly. I may flirt. I may be affectionate..but its her whom I love. No woman can come close to what she is…I love her so much..
  She was beautiful. There was a glow on her face, even when she had tears about to fall on her eyes. Her eyes were dark and round. There was a mystery in them with which she mesmerized me, so carelessly. Her smile was as innocent as a child. She used it with me often, knowing that it could get her what she wants. But she had so much of fears in her heart. She had a void, which nobody could touch. Even though I believed that I did it, I really didn’t…

   One day, she told me to be away from her for sometime. I knew that she wanted her own space. I understood that it was because I was getting closer to my colleague, which she mistook as love. But it was not love. She was battling with her emotions. She was afraid to lose me. I gave the silent phase she needed. Sometime life is like that. We think, over-think, imagine and interpret..Sooner, she has disappeared from my life, from my inbox, from my facebook , from my body…but not from heart, from my skin…but not from my soul.. I had let her go. But I still love her. Some relationships are like that. It cannot be given a name or definition when it do not last. She had brought light into my life. But when the light is too bright, it blinds you and darkness is what you see. 

     Interrupting my thoughts, someone has come and touched me. Looking behind, it was  Mr. Prakash. He is too curious to know, what is my mind occupied with. I gave him a wide smile with which I wanted to convey him that, I am cool and happy. He is very talkative by nature. I always enjoy his company. We began to talk about sunset, river, climate, night, darkness,  Ambani, business market, elections, industries, rich, poor, cool, hot, chic , actresses, women and what not! Now that , our current topic is women, and as if it has reminded him something, he looked at his watch and wondered, Oh its late….  He is staying there tonight because he got a woman for the night. Yes, a woman. This is common among the men, who visits the place. Nature is beautiful, so do the Women are. Man has to celebrate both. I totally support the principle. If seeking pleasure on the lap of magnificent Mother Nature is not a sin, finding joy in the fragrance of  a Woman ( who is not a mother) too is not at all a sin.

     Even though I believed in fun loving life and theories, everything was altered with the love  of my ethereal beauty. Now, she has occupied my soul and body completely that I know I cant stay in the smell and presence of other women for longer than five minutes. I can enjoy their beauty, only from a distance. I don’t want it to be near because  I still love the woman, whom I loved once.
    Tonight, he has a company, let him enjoy the moments.  I am about to leave, but he forced me to join him for dinner. I denied it but he is not letting me go. As we are moving towards the restaurant, he gave a call to the girl – (his tonight partner) and asked her to come to the restaurant. I asked him, how did he manage to get her. He told that, his friend had already dated with her and it is him, who had introduced her. Sensing my inquisitiveness in a different way, he offered me that if I want, he can arrange her for me for tomorrow night. 

    We reached the restaurant. I am not hungry for food. It is only because I didn’t want to avoid his invitation, I went along with him. In the restaurant, I had witnessed the affair that has shattered me into pieces. With a pounding heart, I saw the  woman in red.  Mr  Prakash, hugged her in front of me. And it  is the same woman, who taught me that even a hypocrite like me  can fall in  love… whose lips and fragrance were once, mine only mine..who believed that she carries my baby in her womb…who disappeared from my life for no reasons…who once told me that she would spoil her life and become a prostitute , if I let her go… Yes that same woman, who was once the woman of my life.

   The love and pain have expanded my entire heart.  Do I tell her that I really love her? Will she believe me at least now, knowing that I have affection towards other women? Will she understand that I loved only her? Will she be ready to give birth for my baby, not burying herself under the pillow of other men? 
   I knew, If she is for Prakash tonight, I can get her tomorrow. I can see , touch  and feel her skin tomorrow. I can kiss her again and get her reconciled. I can cry before her and make her forgive me. I know, I can do all that. But for all this, I have to live till tomorrow, I have to see a next sunrise.  But, will I survive till then? Can I live that hour, when my woman is becoming an object for another man pleasure? Can I pass the hour, when the skin and flesh that was once mine, undergoes another body's warmth?  Can I breath at the time when the mystery in her eyes that was once mine, mesmerizes another man?  I  wish to survive till tomorrow, till I get her . I wish, if I could extent my death. But tonight she is for Mr.Prakash and it is my permanent state of damage… Leaving her to him, it is my is my death because She is the woman  whom  I loved once, only once but deeply, madly, truly...


  1. Damn Ashitha !!! What a powerfully moving depiction. The pain, agony, craving, anger, love, nostalgia, inescapable nature of madly falling for've shown them all.

    The only sad thing was that this piece lulled me to those by gone miseries that I felt in absolutely similar circumstance3s. That insanity and inability to let go of something despite identifying self destruction inevitably coming with it.

    Loved the piece. Very intense!!!!

  2. Anupam - Thank u so much for reading it.This is the first time, I am narrating something as a male.I am very glad that u could experience it. At the same time, sorry that it could remind u the pain and misery.

    Yeah, its true. Sometimes we behave totally strange. Letting go, of what we love is nothing less than self-infliction. And I remember my frnds, who used to tell me that, even such pain has a kind of weird pleasure in it...

    Just an attempt.Thank u so much for ur encouragement.Happy to receive comments from good writers like you..

  3. Here’s something I want to give you. You deserve it.

    Congrats !!! Here it lies

  4. Thank u so much Anupam. Today morning only I opened my inbox and seen this. Indeed, it is a morning gift.. With much pleasure, I am receiving it and taking up those tags... Thank u so much for the appreciation. Congrats too...Gudluck! :)

  5. Ashitha...Mindblowing Read... The dark depth adds an ethereal charm to this amazing post. I confess I shed a few tears. I was relating the entire experience with mine sans the part where I have lost THE GIRL cos she's well and truly there with me. It gave me the feel of watching 'Thoovanathumbikal'..Enuf Said.. SPEECHLESS!!

    1. Harisankar - To tell u honestly, it was only an attempt. I had to overcome all those second thoughts and hesitations in writing a post like this. But now I am really glad that many men could relate it to their life and experience the lines...Thank u so much for taking all the effort of reading it Harisankar...And of course, Thoovanathumbikal and Papettan is close to heart as ever. I dont knw , if I really deserve the comparison..anyways am glad..with all smiles, Thank u, once again :)

    2. ... Sherikkum Manoharamaanu..:)...BTW was reading thru all the posts..I cud easily see a profound improvement in style, substancee and depth with newer posts.. There is only one way from here for u in terms of bloging and that is upwards!


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