Of Love

You know it all. You are my twelve months of summer, my  fine tune, my Sunday song and my Wednesday wish. You are my first thought, when I am up and the last before I sleep. I want to write you letters. of love,  of you, of me, of us and of our dreams…the letters that I write at the whim of a blinking cursor, the letters that reach you long  after I am gone with the sea. I want to write you a love song, a love sonnet…I want to write and show you, how pretty the things will look when we walk hand in hand, under pouring skies.  I want to write about you, about me and about our love, till my hands ever learn , how to stop writing…

They say, unfulfilled love is more romantic. Is it true? Then, stay away from me. Let your distance be my intimacy. I want it to be romantic…more romantic than ever before. With you, I lose my sense of being and at the same time, I am closest to me.  I can stand before you…without masks, without hallucinations, without a single thought running in my mind. 

But now, Promises lay scattered. And we will have to walk away, pretending that we never knew what we saw …as we never never knew, how we were.. Kidding each other and moving away without looking back or without looking beyond.  I fear this because it is the scary truth.  It may fade  or whither away like a bloom in the rain. Miss me then..For if not in your thoughts, there would be of no reason for my existence.

 There may be new dreams.. but deep within, You and I know - when it rains, it  will be your warmth I protect inside. And when life bids farewell, it will be your voice that I hear, your tears that mud me to the earth. And then, we would know that we had loved each other, once and a billion more times. 

But now, all that I have for you is a word, a quote, a story..and the little smell of some perfume on this tiny bit of paper… nothing less, nothing  more…  

P.S : The post has been selected for Tangy Tuesday Pick

I confess, I am that girl...

I confess, I am that girl who climbed upon the topmost branch of tree to see the world and fallen down to the pit

I confess, I am that  girl, who walked through those parallel roads and ended up, reaching that dead end of the earth

I confess, I am that girl, who woke up early on a winter morning  to catch the sun and came back with some wispy clouds

I confess, I am the girl who made the paper wet with the blood of veins that poured out from the other end of the pen

I confess, I am that girl who cheated you and walked into a cave to hibernate my remorse

I confess, I am that girl who was carried away by the waves, barely breathing and barely alive

I confess, I am that girl who forgot the promises of spring and walked towards the beauty of fall

I confess, I am that girl who watched you standing  under a willow tree and turned deafened to the church bells

I confess, I am that girl, who admired the beauty of  those flowers and plucked it to  death

I confess, I am that girl, who stood on the balcony of my fathers house and gazed at the silent grave

I confess, I am that girl, who was born as a dreamer and turned out as a nightmare

I confess, I am that girl, who wanted to live with no regrets and regretted at the life

I confess, I am that girl, who got dark circles and wrinkles on the edges of eyes with endless nights

I confess, I am that girl, who enjoyed the chirping of those birds and caged them to silence

I confess, I am that girl, who got intoxicated with and drunk on sleep, never wanting to wake up again

I confess, I am that girl, who hardened the blood of creativity and caused  the swollen lymph nodes

I confess, I am that girl, who was the culprit of the crime and turned out as the victim of the fall

I confess, I am that girl, who killed the butterfly upon my own wheels and  lamented over its loss

I confess, I am that girl, who set out to uncover the shadow and discovered the darkness of light
I confess, I am that girl, who buried down the Words lifeless  and basked in the glory of faithlessness

I confess, I am that girl, who transgressed  ungracious and haunted by the forgiveness

I confess, I am that girl, who had fallen down on all that I had ever known
I confess, I am that girl, who confessed because it is the first medicine of cure

And 

I confess,  because I am that girl, who possess a soul and who owes a heart..

I confess; I may stab, I may hurt, I may divert, I may take wrong tracks but, by the end of the day, however far I go, I will always row back to my home ...

to blog,
to write, 

to confess, 

to catastrophe and

 let it go off as words

out of my cage..

  
P.S : Does it sound weird? quirky? It has to and it is...

 The post has been selected for Tangy Tuesday Picks  by BlogAddas ...
 

Flowers,freedom and butterflies...

To the girl, who once loved flowers, freedom, books and butterflies.

She was greater than the world, but to the world, she was smaller than a dot

Her roads did not take her to that path of the world

Forgetting her coffee, skipping her meals; she walked to the noisiest of all streets

She was alone in the crowd, while others were rushing to catch their life

The people pushed her away, and no one  noticed her fall

She felt lonely, but no one  arrived to break her silence

She took crossroads, but she it led her nowhere

She loved the beauty of single words, prologues and poems

She loved the volumes spoken about a single thought

Yes, she loved words and she fell for them often

She spoke her heart out always, not knowing when to stop, where to end

She hated being interrupted, when she was writing or reading or listening to a song

She had her smiles and tears, even when nobody was there

She learnt to live alone, alone in a crowd, alone in someone’s company

And that gave her all the freedom of the world

She had a few rules, but hated it when someone else did it

She always looked for mirrors to draw her kajal, and the mirror began to talk

She was like a puddle in the rain, which was beautiful only at times

 People knew, she was vulnerable and they were intimidated by her strenth

She was a paradox in her own way.

Some told, she was weak, while for others, she was strong, obstinate

And for her, she was not just strong, but strong,

Too strong, to be carried along with the wind

She was defensive, but fell for all  who paid her  attention

 people came, stayed her for short span and left,

She didn’t ask anyone to stay, because she knew; they were not good enough to stay

She didn’t have any loose threads to hold on,

She didn’t hear any footsteps, powerful enough to skip her beats

She reacted, spoke sarcastic but real

The quicker, she got the strength to loose, loose herself

She was running into it…running away from something,

Running to something, she doesn’t know

Her tread of fate stemmed from a lightest thought

She wanted to stay invisible, knowing that no one would notice her absence

She began to imagine her obituary without any fear.

She didn’t have the fear for the oblivion, because she was curious to know what it is

When life didn’t have anything to offer for her, since eternity

She felt hungry, hungry to death.. she searched for those capsules, swallowed it,

And felt numb, tasteless, no hope, no fears, no sanity, no madness

No umbrellas, no rain, no tea stalls, no smiles, no tears, no destination

With a death note, “All is well” - she parted,

Once more proving to be weird.

It was calm and lost…

Angels can tread only on heavenly grounds

She can’t set her foot on a ‘man-made earth’

May her soul rest in peace

                        The girl who once loved flowers, freedom, books and butterflies

Ray of Hope

Have you ever given your thought to what it would be if you could escape through a tunnel to reach another world and live as the only being of existence?  It is certain that all of us would have buried it somewhere in us, with those deep sighs; while crossing roads to reach no where and realizing that the world is nothing better than a place to get deceived. 

When life turns out to be nothing more than a strategy, with no magic to wonder  or no tales to tell , a life only with responsibilities and no fun, you may feel like running away to some corner of the earth, may be to a dense forest or to a hill top and remain hidden. And some other times if, going gets tougher than you could ever imagine, and you realize there is no more oxygen to inhale in this world, all that you  need would be an ending, a disconnection.

Ironically, the truth is that, you may decide to walk alone to the sunset (for unknown reasons), bidding farewell to yourself and the world, still you know, you can’t DO it. You may act like a child and feel insecure. You may have doubts and feel immature; still you can’t DO it because even though the world is an ugly place, it is the only beautiful place to live. Life may have lot of loose ends but, it cannot be broken with a tug because those strings are very much attached. 

You may be in decline, breaking the waves. 

You may be in darkness, watching the sunset. 

You may be lost at sea. 

But no matter how far you row, 

you will always find the way back home, 

because….

Someone is still standing at the gate

Waiting for your return

Someone is  not taking  dinner

Waiting  to have it  with you

Someone is  not sleeping without your call

Waiting to hear from you that, ‘everything is fine’

Someone is still hesitating to start the day

Waiting to hear you say, alright

And hence you can neither end nor walk away 

Putting your loved ones waiting

 The life is beautiful till the day; 

you have that last someone exists in the world 

Hold on 

to that essential

 Ray of Hope

When Silence Speaks....

How beautifully does a shore understand the language of sea, the tree listen to the whispers of its leaves, the baby vibrate to the voice of its mother, the dawn wake up to the call of its darling birds, the earth give its ears to the rains of the sky.. They do all the talking without a language or script. Hadn’t you felt awesome in the way some people look at you, they convey you through their gestures and when you see all the tales in their eyes?

when eyes speak all the tales of the world

With some people in some situations, we really do not need a language to communicate. Those are the instances where language becomes nothing more or less than a formality. A stare, a touch, a kiss, a wink, a smile, a tear, a hum, a laughter…is all what that really matters, not always, but at least in some of those days of our life.

Hadn’t you experienced such moments in life where emotions overpower your heart and you run in short of words. And when it begins to grow beyond the periphery of certain fondness, despair or longingness, silence takes away all the eloquence. The innocence of a child, the smile of a stranger, opening an unread message, dreaming about that someone special, reading a beautiful novel, writing a letter with the doubt of posting it, watching a cloud on the sky, taking  hot water shower on a rainy day, tying up those divine knots, wrapping up the surprise gift for a friend on his birthday, eating mother’s food, taking a deep breath, praying with a sigh heart,  crying in the shower, falling in love, discovering a beautiful track…above all, those moments of Yoga, Dhayana, meditation..….do we have a better term to define such beautiful moments other than ‘silence’. Without uttering a word, a sentence we experience the best moments in life because the best of it happens only in silence.

the silence is bliss

 Once, one of my friends shared me an experience from her love life. She fell seriously in relationship with a guy, whom she couldn’t understand completely. The only thing she knew was she loved him when he proposed her. He cared her sometimes and avoided her at other times. She was confused, perplexed and disheartened. Sooner she began to know that his love is not true and she is only an option for him in his times of need. But the realization has not made any difference. Even though she knew it was true, she didn’t want to believe it. 

Now she began to fall in love with him all the more while he still remained the same. She said, “The more I hate, the more I love”. When she began to hear about his encounters with another woman she reacted in all her loud voices. She cried, wept, yelled, accused, grumbled, advised and begged to him in all those good and bad words. But nothing has changed. It has only made him go more and more away from her.

She began to grow tired of arguing, fighting, crying and thereby hurting herself day and night. When everything went hopeless and she learnt that he is much far than she could reach, she took a decision to quit and stay out of his life, leaving all her way for the silence to overcome. From next sunrise, in the place of those100 text messages which she sends him everyday, he received none; in the missed call log, where he normally received maximum calls of her, there were some other names.

As days went on, he began to feel the space, the gap, the darkness and ultimately the silence that was creeping into his life. With half of the heart which has not loved anything, he began to miss her. Her silence began to hurt him much more than her words ever could. His thoughts started to get occupied with her so much that he was no more interested in any other women. The presence of others reminded him too much of her absence. Every beep, miscall, text message alerted him of her silence. The days went on without getting even a slight glimpse of her. The music system in the car played the songs she had given, her photographs, the cards, his blue mug; the leather wallet in his pocket, the adjustable car seat….everything described him of her silence. The quieter she went, the louder her things got around him. 

After a while, it was deafening and when he knew it began to eat his soul and give him an emotional trauma, he came back to her with an open heart which was soft enough to regret and reconcile …this time not because it is a physical need, but because it was emotional and he wanted to save his heart. She accepted him with a smile…a smile in silence, realizing that there are times in our lives we don’t need to be vague nor fight over issues; JUST SILENCE will fight for us.  

Sometimes in life, with some people, when words fail to shower, stab and kneel, silence is the best weapon.  When words give you only skinned knees and broken hearts, all that we have to do is to speak, speak aloud in the reminiscence of silence… the silence that can break a wind and stop those seas, the silence that can bring the tears and skip the beats. Yes, that indefinite, intangible, eternal silence….

Yes, silence is in the 

cool waiting bench, the stillness of the cup and coffee, the late breakfast

, a lone long night drive, the rain dropped window glass, the squeaking train stops,

 the blinking lights, the spinning skies, the last kiss, the fleeting fingertips, 

the zooming lens, oscillations of the swing, the pages of the unknown book, 

echo inside a forest, the church bells, the unsent letters, the erased pencil markings, 

the breathing words, the winks of your cat the unhatched egg, unborn foetus, 

the mirage, the trembling earth, the smoker’s puff, the candle light,the silent night, 

the edges of words,, those fallen leaves,  

and 

           in the  memories of…………